How to be a Member of a Super Committee on Deficit Reduction

Be a man or have the name 'Patty' which can easily be shortened to Pat. 


Have a substantially large forehead for the purposes of 'furrowed brow' photos. It is the only way people are going to know you a serious about solving the nations debt issues. It also helps to have jowls. Jowls help when you really want to look dissatisfied about something. 


It is important that you are a member of Congress with some kind of distinction, but you also have to be someone that no one will remember. It is also beneficial if 2012 is not a year in which you are up for reelection, believe me, it will make the likely failure of your committee much easier on you.

You must also be able to part your hair from the left to the right, or right to left. No center parts allowed.

You have to be comfortable with no less than five microphones by your mouth at all times: 

You'll have likely said some of the following phrases / words:


"We need to bridge ..." 
"We can't kick the can down the road."
"What this country needs now is..."
"We can't afford inaction."
"I want to work with my fellow lawmakers..."
"Opening doors"
"The American People want to know..."
"Balance..."
"Future generations"
"Children" 


Here's a typical phrase that might be spoken by a member of a Super Committee 


"We need to balance the deficit for future generations, we need to think about how best to balance the deficit because if we don't balance the deficit, we'll just be kicking the can down the road and that's something that we just can't afford. We really need to think about what the American People want, and what they want, what they are telling us is that they want decisions we make to be balanced, and that's what we intend to do. We are going to come to a balanced compromise, because that's what this country needs now." Amorphous Member of Super Committee


It's really important that you use the word we, or we're, or anything that let's people know that you aren't just expressing your opinion but the opinions of people who may or may not agree with you. 


'I think we can all agree'
'We all know'
'It's obvious we're here too..."


Spreading out responsibility is just as important as taking responsibility in Super Committees. 


How to talk about what you talk about behind closed doors to the media: 


When you are surrounded by ten + microphones walking down the street in D.C. you've got to have just the right thing to say.


First you have to put blame with the other party members of the Super Committee


If you are a Democratic member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Wanting to extend Bush-Era, and protect the wealthiest Americans while everyone else suffers."


If you are a Republican member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Want to save entitlement programs and wasteful spending for added flare end with something about destroying America."


Throw in Balance, anything about balance, just use the word.


But always end with, "But we're confident that the doors are open for negotiations. 


As the deadline approaches: 


Only talk to members of your own party.
Hold a lot of morning conference calls.
No details should be readily available to anyone, ever.


Book your appearance on a Sunday Morning Talk Show:
Anticipate using the words "Partisan rancor" and "Unwillingness to make sacrifices on behalf of the American people" when talking about your fellow committee members. 


Also, since you have spent the better part of four months avoiding the press, you can now go on the air giving a carefully scripted response as to why talks broke down. Because most discussions have gone on behind closed doors, it will be difficult for anyone to pin you down on what you have personally done or not done to move negotiations forward. 

Feeling sad at the prospects of your impending Super Committee Failure? Don't! 

Remember you were given the responsibility of doing something that Congress itself couldn't do. It doesn't matter what you say or ultimately what you do, your very existences allows other members of Congress to distance themselves from your failure, and that's important in an election year. Even if you fail at your job, you've really won because you write the laws, so there was never really any risk in the first place.