Close Your Legs and Where's The Tape

Those immortal words were uttered that fateful day in 7th grade during Ms. Larson's art class.

To understand those words we must first start at the beginning.

Cass Junior High 7th graders were privied to "Career Day" at the Technology Institute in Addison, Illinois.  We too could be dental hygienist or cosmetologists.  At the time, all I wanted to do was play with make-up, so this actually seemed like it was going to be an amazing day.

I had a special dress I was going to wear. It was black.  Black because I had always been told that black was slimming.  It was bias cut with an empire waist.  Which no woman, let alone one in the throngs of puberty, should ever wear. It hugged me in all the wrong places, but it was nothing that a pair of nylons couldn't smooth out. In my mind nylons had almost mystical slimming abilities and powers.  This lovely frock was paired with a pair of white shoes, it was after Labor day.  I purchased the shoes at Payless, they had an almost lattice work design on the toe.  I didn't mind that the reinforced toe of my pantyhose could be seen poking out of the shoe.  Nor did I seem to mind that I was the only thirteen-year old girl that wore nylons or even knew what they were.

My older sister Heather had some creamy powder blue eye-shadow that I abused with frequency during Junior High, today was no different.  I pressed my index finger into the familiar texture of silky powdery bliss. My ticket to beauty, I thought to myself as I put it all over my eyelids.  My friends and I had recently discovered the taste of bonniebells lip gloss.  We were obsessed with the cotton candy flavor, it had an almost white colored base to it.  The overall effect was not flattering.

"Dressed for Success", that was my overall mantra for the day.

We took the 40 or so minute bus ride to Addison. As we bumped and jostled along I sat there pondering  my future.  Surely I was destined for greatness, probably I was going to be a great artist, the best make-up artist the world has ever known.  All of life's most important questions would be answered on this day in 7th grade.

When we got there I was unimpressed by the building.  It was a large structure to be sure, industrial almost.  Not at all what I expected when I thought of a place of higher learning.

As a girl of 13 I was both obsessed and terrified with the possibility of attracting attention.  I wanted it, but only if it was the good kind, and only if I could quickly fade back into the shadows. I was convinced I was going to turn heads in my maternity-like dress.  As I walked down the hallway to one of the sessions we had that told us all about the wild and fantastic opportunities available to us in the area of HVAC systems, the light shown in through the windows.  I felt glorious.  That sun was clearly shining for me.

My friends had gone off to various other sessions, child rearing, basic computing skills and the like.  I couldn't find them anywhere, I felt very uncomfortable with being in groups where I didn't know anyone.  Okay, I knew my classmates, but they didn't know me or talk to me. I was the twin of that one girl. That was pretty much the extent of knowledge people had about me growing up.

Whenever I got to a new session, I would try to find someone that I had exchanged  words with at some point in my life.  I would then plant myself firmly next to them, and hope that I might be able to make a witty remark at some point during the thirty-minutes.  Sometimes the instructor would ask us questions, in which case I would hide.  Over the years I have become quite adept at hiding myself in a crowd. It's really a complex method of shifting repeatedly while moving farther to the back.  My best chances at hiding were behind some sort of object, if I could be obstructed in any way, all the better for me.

At first arrival to a session I would take note of the topic, and quickly think of  things I could say on that topic if I was forced to speak.

Childcare: "Oh man ....kids huh?  They sure do like to play."

Hair Stylistt: "One time, I cut all the hair of my Barbie's head, this would not be a good career choice for me!"

Computers: "I have a computer, I like to play games on it."

These statements assured that I would not be asked another question.  I could then be left to sit alone in silence doodling on sheets of paper.

In the childcare class people talked about their successful babysitting ventures, almost everywhere I went that day people seemed to know exactly what it was they wanted to do.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, or if I was even capable of doing anything that people needed, let alone would pay me for.

I left the Addison Technology Center feeling dejected.  On the bus ride home, I felt more dejected. Sadly, there would still be time last for our last class of the day.

Ashley P. and I were sitting in Ms. Larson's art class. The sink was behind us, we were at the front of the class sitting at our octagon shaped art tables.  The popular group consisted of about 4-5 people, they sat at an octagon table on the far right side of the class.

We were drawing god knows what, and Ashley and I were laughing about something and I was starting to feel better about myself.  That is until about four minutes later.

As I was furiously cutting out shapes and sketching a masterpiece that has yet to be discovered by the Louvre, a boy named Matt came up to me.

He leaned down to my level, elbows on the table, his face not more than a foot from mine.  He half-whispered half-spoke:

"Close your legs and where's the tape?"

The entire popular kid table erupted in raucous laughter.

It was at that precise moment that my life ended.

I am fairly sure that the all the blood in my body rushed to my face resulting in a facial temperature of about 120 degrees Celsius.  I looked at Ashley with my teeth clenched and eyes as wide as a person about to get hit by a tractor, I asked her "Why he wanted the tape?"

During the chaos of those first seconds and minutes after that initial comment, I thought he had implied that he wanted to tape my legs shut.  Apparently, he actually just wanted to use the tape on an art project.

Ashley was laughing, hell I was even laughing.  Laughing in the sort of way a person laughs when everyone else is laughing at them.

My core temperature was clearly at an unhealthy level, vital bodily organs would soon begin to shut down.  I got up from the table and pretended that I needed to clean something in the corner over by the sink.  When all else fails, retreat.

I got the black dustpan from the wall and began sweeping stuff up on the floor.  I have no idea why I decided to do this, but once I started I couldn't stop.  I swept the same corner for about ten minutes.  The class period had evidently been lengthened by 2 hours.

My hearing is not exceptionally great, but when people are talking about me, I am like a mighty hawk, or some other animal with super hearing.  I heard what the popular table was saying, I wanted to explain to them that I was wearing pantyhose and that technically they could not see anything.

Nylons come with a sort of white "security patch" maybe it might even be called a "chaste cloth".  I don't know what exactly it is called, I just know that they assumed that I wore big white granny panties, and that mortified me even more.

This was the last thing social life needed.

It was from that moment on I knew one thing and one thing only, I was never going to be able to change lunch tables.  The strict lunch table hierarchy would remain in tact. Popular kids get the best table, and then each progressively lower table by social status until you got to the 5th grade kids who sat at the total opposite end of the lunch room.

I've never quite gotten over this day, I think about it still and cringe into my pillow at night.  The site of a roll of tape still brings back painful memories of that day.