For whatever reason in 4th grade I apparently needed braces, they were essential. From 4th grade until 8th grade I had a lovely set of braces thanks to Dr. Wit.
Hairy Arms.
Dr. Wit was a man with exceptionally hairy forearms. I always found that to be quite curious, hairy forearms smooth shoulders? I never saw his shoulders, but I'm assuming they were, he seems the type.
I believe there was a period of time in the 90's where everyone was told they needed braces,
"Oh you have teeth? Okay, you're gunna need some braces."
The first time you have your braces tightened you realize that really, this is about increasing pain tolerance in the children of America. Making them into pain tolerant droids. This is why the series Jackass happened. I am pretty sure it starts with braces, then skateboarding, drugs, and then you die.
Also, the metal composition of braces is of questionable origin. I have not done any laboratory tests yet, but if I did it would be 80 percent mercury and 20 percent lead. Obviously this contributed to my lacklustre development in the right hemisphere of my brain. That is why if you ask me to do even the simplest algebraic equation I look at you as if you asked if "May I molest you this evening?"
Back to the Pain:
The pain was so severe it felt as if someone was hammering my teeth. They give you a thing of wax. I don't know why the fuck they give you wax. It does nothing to ease the pain in your mouth. You think "Oh great, this will help." So you put a ton of this real tasteless wax shit in your mouth, sitting there waiting for the calming agents to kick-in, I mean there have to be some right? Relief, I need sweet, sweet relief. But it never came.
Instead I relied on massive amounts of Advil and various ice creams. Mostly I had the ice cream because I have always believed in rewarding myself for doing any task, no matter its simplicity. "Well Andrea, your breathing is really good today, time for a chocolate shake."
Wires.
Dr. Wit didn't believe in making sure that all of the wires that ran through my braces were properly snipped at the ends. This resulted in them getting caught on my cheek flesh. CHEEK FLESH.
I would be sitting there, talking with my mother in one of our bi-weekly Walton Family like discussions, when all of a sudden it would happen, I would feel the meaty part of cheek wrap around the small razor sharp industrial grade wire. I lack common sense so I would open up my mouth thus ripping my inner cheek. I would try to put water in my mouth and swish it around in there hoping the liquid would serve as some sort of lubricant, I made a lot of shit up in my head as a kid.
Solutions to problems were not so much solutions, as they were imaginary things that made sense in my brain at the time.
Sitting on the counter in my mom and dad's bathroom I would try to gauge the severity of the damage. My cheek still caught in the wire, the halogen light from the vanity burning my face like a hot summer sun. I'd turn my head to the right trying to will the light to shine enough on the inside of my mouth to see where exactly it was caught. That clearly never works. No matter what way you generally turn to see the inside of your mouth, in a mirror it just becomes darker, it's almost like magic...almost.
When I couldn't get it uncaught via just looking at it, I would begin a complex series of air puffing. What's air puffing you ask? I would start by leaning my head all the way back and then as fast as humanly possible I would force my head forward in a whiplash like movement attempting to force large amounts of air into my mouth, thus dislodging my cheek from the wire. When that inevitably failed, I would bend over, puff my mouth up with air and shake my head furiously from side-to-side.
Despite the obvious genius behind these tactics, none of these things actually worked. Eventually my cheek would just come loose of its own accord. The next day I would go back to Dr. Wit and tell him my cheek was getting caught, again. I was pretty sure he thought I was just making it up. I, however, believed my cheek could just would grow randomly. I used to picture myself sleeping at night, my face cheeks just getting bigger and bigger, my imagination is terrifying.
Fond memories. More on braces later.
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