Team Unemployed- Hoo Rah

Do you ever sit and wonder, “what were the steps I chose that resulted in my ending up here?”

I have endless hours to answer this question during my days as a member of “team unemployed”. I say, if the millions of Americans who are unemployed band together and call themselves a “team” we will all feel less lonely. We could have a mission statement, and a theme song.

I believe there are several contributing factors to my being unemployed, the first one is the most obvious one. I'm just too smart. They can't actually handle how intelligent I am (or claim to be). I mean clearly I need to be applying for some Executive position because they take one look at my resume and say:

“This is a cute joke, hey Jim from accounting, come here and look at the little Senior Executive with stock options and a company car apply for an administrative assistant position, how quaint.” - Anonymous

Sometimes I wish I had a kid so that I would have a decent excuse for not having a job, “So what do you do, yeah...I have a kid.” End of story. (knock on wood).

Maybe if I got a haircut? My hair is currently quite long according to my standards. A new haircut always makes you feel like you can accomplish anything, unless it is a bad one in which case you just want to hide in your room (see 8th grade yearbook photo). I have to wear my hair up pretty much everyday because it pisses me off otherwise. I do not like walking with my hair blowing about my face, because it always gets stuck in my eyes or mouth and that's just not pleasant.

The second reason which may be contributing to my unemployment: My Resume's Suckiness Knowns No Bounds:

-My resume has been through more revisions than I could shake a stick at. First there were boxes, too many boxes, boxes with no sense of purpose. Boxes with no reason to be there other than they were boxes and text was in them. You see, I do not know how to put my past experience into words that people like and/or know. I have been accused of being too wordy, not wordy enough. “You have to have something left to talk about in the interview.” How do employers know that's all I have to talk about? Maybe I have a ton of other things I want to discuss, like the futures market or the DOW industrial. They don't know me.

** Intermission**

*Aside: Do you ever smile at kids, think you're being really genuinely nice, and then the parent turns around and sees your smiling and you think “oh my god what do I actually look like, do I look like the crazy person that just smiles all the time? Do they think “hey wierdo stop smiling at my kid.” Which I guess is just YET another benefit of being a child, people smile at you most of the time. I want random people to smile at me and say “how cute”. Maybe if I wear more barrettes in my hair?
**And We're Back**

The last reason that I can think of: My boobs are just too big, people are intimated my their sheer size and orb like qualities. Okay but in all seriousness, there has to be something on-line about me. Are people doing a Google search and finding some things that I don't know about.

There are only so many other people a person can blame before you begin to look at yourself, I went through those people months ago. I have looked at myself I've changed my cover letter and resume, maybe my only choice is to LIE MY ASS OFF.