How to have Dysfunctional Family Relationships-Andrea's Mother Shows Us the Way.

My mother is passive aggressive. If passive aggressiveness was a sport, my mother would be at the top of her game, always. I think this has something to do with the incessant smoking.

When Bobbi is upset with me, her first inclination is to buy the remaining family members gifts:

In the past those gifts have included the following items:

-a haircut and color

-a new purse

-new pairs of shoes

-a new coat

-a new mp3 player

etc.

I am left to understand these purchases as a way for my mother to say "suck on those apples", for which I do suck on said apples. I know what you are thinking "Well I am sure she had a very good reason for doing these things." I am sorry to say you are wrong.

My mother is not speaking with me this fine snowy evening because upon arriving home I proudly proclaimed "I am going to Walgreen's"

"Why?" said my mother

"Because" said I.

"What do you need there?" she asked.

"Soup" I said.

"That's bullshit" she replied to me.

"No I really gotta get some soup, and stuff." I exclaimed.

After returning from Walgreen's my mother had decided on giving me the silent treatment because 1. I did not come back with soup 2. she has made an assumption that I am out purchasing lord knows what.

The fact of the matter is, I failed to see the necessity in telling her what was needed from Walgreen's.

My mother does not take kindly to criticism and/or suggestions of any kind about anything at all, if you ever say something about any of the following items, please expect the silent treatment:

1. her hair

2. her clothes

3. her shoes

4. your going to Walgreens

5. your doing anything at all, ever.

6. your not buying her a haircut.

7. her parenting

8. her lack-of parenting

9. her health

10. her lack of health

11. her driving

12. her place of employment

13. her lack of employment

14. her financial situation

15. her cooking

16. her interior decorating decisions

17. her night vision

18. her decision on groceries

19. her gifts

20. her decisions in general about anything

If you have made the mistake of doing any one of the aforementioned things you can look forward to one or all of the following responses:

1. a phone call to a family member where you are depicted as the villain

2. a phone call to a non-family member where you are depicted as the villain

3. she will hide the keys to the car

4. extra/all the chores

5. revocation of privileges (assuming you had any to begin with)

6. she will talk about you loudly to another sibling

7. refuse to drive you to work

8. refuse to pick you up

9. refuse to listen to anything you say

Out of all of the things she will do, what she will NOT do is address the issue with you directly.

I have developed several fool-proof ways of dealing with this

1. Ignore her

2. Annoy her further

3. Go to Walgreen's under false pretenses

4. Go anywhere under false pretenses

5. Read books in front of her

6. Correct her

7. Tell her she is "lying to herself"

These will do nothing to resolve the situation, but you will feel loads better.

If you would like to see this "in action" please stop by my house at any time.

(don't worry I still love my mom!)