Attn Believers:
Inflammatory remarks to follow:
Jesus isn't looking at your Facebook wall. He/She doesn't care that you post scripture to your wall every day. I am not talking about the individual that posts the occasional Jesus update, that I can live with. It still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, but it doesn't cause me as much mental anguish as the habitual Jesus posters.
I grew up going to Catholic church, and there we were told that to read the Bible is to know God, or something like that. I am not going to pretend that I was paying attention the entire time, I just liked the translucent pages of the Bible and the kneeling bench. I can't say that I remember anything about church other than getting to go out to breakfast afterwards with my Grandma and eating the communal dinner mints in the giant glass bowl at the Royal Shield on Cass Avenue and 75th street.
Call me a critic, but I don't think that Jesus would be too fond of Facebook applications that automatically post Bible versus to your Facebook wall. You do realize that some company is just using your religious belief to make money? As so many have done before. But if you are fine with that, then I am going to develop a new Facebook application that lets you purchase Indulgences. This is a great idea because I can do Holiday Tie-Ins. Cyber Monday- 10 indulgences for the price of 5 only good until Tuesday at 10pm EST...
I guess what upsets me the most about this whole Jesus posting thing is I picture happy Jesus people sitting at their computers about to type in a real Jesusy post and then I imagine the amount of self righteousness they must feel. Their hands tremble in anticipation, sweat begins to collect at their hairline and their index finger shakes ever so slightly as they press the 'post' button. They refresh their page, twice, three times, twenty times in the first minute to see how many people have liked their post. And when someone does like it you feel euphoria, you feel vindicated.
But in doing so you violating one of the ten commandants or is it one of the seven deadly sins? Either way one of those is definitely being violated and you should know if Jesus IS watching he most surely takes notice. So either Jesus isn't paying attention and you are all wasting precious minutes of time you could be spending towards actual religious devotion typing these posts, or Jesus is paying attention and your attempts to appeal to your own vanity are noticed and they are going down in the book.
Also this on your Facebook wall doesn't help your cause:
posts of drinking
Jesus/ Bible Verse
posts of you asking material items
posts of you getting material items
Jesus/ Bible Verse
posts of you begging for material items
Jesus/ Bible Verse
posts of you drinking
posts of you discussing materials items
Jesus / Bible Verse
Now I get it, we all want to have fun and the Lord gave us free will and all that Jazz but you can see why I would have problems believing the veracity of your Jesus posts coupled with the tenacity of the vapid consumeristic ones.
If you wish to do the work of the Lord, whatever you may believe that to be, that's great, just please don't expect me to commend you on it. And if you say you aren't looking for some kind of validation by posting that you are probably lying to yourself, and lying is a sin.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
How to be a Member of a Super Committee on Deficit Reduction
Be a man or have the name 'Patty' which can easily be shortened to Pat.
Have a substantially large forehead for the purposes of 'furrowed brow' photos. It is the only way people are going to know you a serious about solving the nations debt issues. It also helps to have jowls. Jowls help when you really want to look dissatisfied about something.
It is important that you are a member of Congress with some kind of distinction, but you also have to be someone that no one will remember. It is also beneficial if 2012 is not a year in which you are up for reelection, believe me, it will make the likely failure of your committee much easier on you.
You must also be able to part your hair from the left to the right, or right to left. No center parts allowed.
You have to be comfortable with no less than five microphones by your mouth at all times:
You'll have likely said some of the following phrases / words:
"We need to bridge ..."
"We can't kick the can down the road."
"What this country needs now is..."
"We can't afford inaction."
"I want to work with my fellow lawmakers..."
"Opening doors"
"The American People want to know..."
"Balance..."
"Future generations"
"Children"
Here's a typical phrase that might be spoken by a member of a Super Committee
"We need to balance the deficit for future generations, we need to think about how best to balance the deficit because if we don't balance the deficit, we'll just be kicking the can down the road and that's something that we just can't afford. We really need to think about what the American People want, and what they want, what they are telling us is that they want decisions we make to be balanced, and that's what we intend to do. We are going to come to a balanced compromise, because that's what this country needs now." Amorphous Member of Super Committee
It's really important that you use the word we, or we're, or anything that let's people know that you aren't just expressing your opinion but the opinions of people who may or may not agree with you.
'I think we can all agree'
'We all know'
'It's obvious we're here too..."
Spreading out responsibility is just as important as taking responsibility in Super Committees.
How to talk about what you talk about behind closed doors to the media:
When you are surrounded by ten + microphones walking down the street in D.C. you've got to have just the right thing to say.
First you have to put blame with the other party members of the Super Committee
If you are a Democratic member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Wanting to extend Bush-Era, and protect the wealthiest Americans while everyone else suffers."
If you are a Republican member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Want to save entitlement programs and wasteful spending for added flare end with something about destroying America."
Throw in Balance, anything about balance, just use the word.
But always end with, "But we're confident that the doors are open for negotiations.
As the deadline approaches:
Only talk to members of your own party.
Hold a lot of morning conference calls.
No details should be readily available to anyone, ever.
Book your appearance on a Sunday Morning Talk Show:
Anticipate using the words "Partisan rancor" and "Unwillingness to make sacrifices on behalf of the American people" when talking about your fellow committee members.
Also, since you have spent the better part of four months avoiding the press, you can now go on the air giving a carefully scripted response as to why talks broke down. Because most discussions have gone on behind closed doors, it will be difficult for anyone to pin you down on what you have personally done or not done to move negotiations forward.
Have a substantially large forehead for the purposes of 'furrowed brow' photos. It is the only way people are going to know you a serious about solving the nations debt issues. It also helps to have jowls. Jowls help when you really want to look dissatisfied about something.
It is important that you are a member of Congress with some kind of distinction, but you also have to be someone that no one will remember. It is also beneficial if 2012 is not a year in which you are up for reelection, believe me, it will make the likely failure of your committee much easier on you.
You must also be able to part your hair from the left to the right, or right to left. No center parts allowed.
"We need to bridge ..."
"We can't kick the can down the road."
"What this country needs now is..."
"We can't afford inaction."
"I want to work with my fellow lawmakers..."
"Opening doors"
"The American People want to know..."
"Balance..."
"Future generations"
"Children"
Here's a typical phrase that might be spoken by a member of a Super Committee
"We need to balance the deficit for future generations, we need to think about how best to balance the deficit because if we don't balance the deficit, we'll just be kicking the can down the road and that's something that we just can't afford. We really need to think about what the American People want, and what they want, what they are telling us is that they want decisions we make to be balanced, and that's what we intend to do. We are going to come to a balanced compromise, because that's what this country needs now." Amorphous Member of Super Committee
It's really important that you use the word we, or we're, or anything that let's people know that you aren't just expressing your opinion but the opinions of people who may or may not agree with you.
'I think we can all agree'
'We all know'
'It's obvious we're here too..."
Spreading out responsibility is just as important as taking responsibility in Super Committees.
How to talk about what you talk about behind closed doors to the media:
When you are surrounded by ten + microphones walking down the street in D.C. you've got to have just the right thing to say.
First you have to put blame with the other party members of the Super Committee
If you are a Democratic member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Wanting to extend Bush-Era, and protect the wealthiest Americans while everyone else suffers."
If you are a Republican member of the super-committee you'll have to use the phrase "Want to save entitlement programs and wasteful spending for added flare end with something about destroying America."
Throw in Balance, anything about balance, just use the word.
But always end with, "But we're confident that the doors are open for negotiations.
As the deadline approaches:
Only talk to members of your own party.
Hold a lot of morning conference calls.
No details should be readily available to anyone, ever.
Book your appearance on a Sunday Morning Talk Show:
Anticipate using the words "Partisan rancor" and "Unwillingness to make sacrifices on behalf of the American people" when talking about your fellow committee members.
Also, since you have spent the better part of four months avoiding the press, you can now go on the air giving a carefully scripted response as to why talks broke down. Because most discussions have gone on behind closed doors, it will be difficult for anyone to pin you down on what you have personally done or not done to move negotiations forward.
Feeling sad at the prospects of your impending Super Committee Failure? Don't!
Remember you were given the responsibility of doing something that Congress itself couldn't do. It doesn't matter what you say or ultimately what you do, your very existences allows other members of Congress to distance themselves from your failure, and that's important in an election year. Even if you fail at your job, you've really won because you write the laws, so there was never really any risk in the first place.
Monday, October 10, 2011
In my head people say the rudest things
I fill in the silent gaps made by people when they are in the middle of conversation with internal monologue of what I imagine they are saying. 9 times out of 10 it is about me.
It was about 9:00 and I was getting to the tipping point of my hunger zone between hungry and "I will eat this table", so I picked up my package of basmati rice and quinoa and headed to the communal kitchen. Actually, I picked up the bowl that I had already placed my food in and headed to the kitchen. I don't like people to see what I eat. I keep all food and utensils in my room. It isn't that I don't trust the people here, I just don't want them to know anything about my food consumption tendencies. My ancestors had to have felt threatened at some point, this has to be sort of genetic protection device. Either way, that's something I will work out in therapy at a later date.
As I made my way down the hallway I could hear girls laughter. I knew they were in the kitchen, despite this, a small part of my soul still held out hope that maybe it was coming from one of the rooms at the end of the hallway.
I turned the door handle and saw two girls that I had not met before sitting there laughing and enjoying one another's conversation. This would have been a great time to introduce myself, as I had not done so yet. Instead, I gave an enthusiastic wave hello and headed into the kitchen area.
I could feel it, they were expecting an introduction from me, but they didn't get it and they weren't going to get it. Once I feel a moment has passed, I don't try to go back, I press forward and hope that I will never have to be reminded of that moment again. I try to bury that moment with all the other moments and hope that one day I won't be able to recall what happened when or if anything really happened at all.
While I waited for the kettle to boil I could hear them talking. They were discussing former jobs they had and their interest in not getting obese.
I heard the following:
"Oh yah well she's just reminded us, let's not get obese okay?"
Then the crazy fat lady that lives inside my head calmed down and I was comforted by the ten seconds of rational thought that I allow myself per day. They were clearly talking about that before I walked in.
Okay. Well that feels better.
The kettle is taking forever to boil. I just wanted to get this hot water in my rice and spice mixture and disappear into the night, quick as I came. If I could have a fog machine wherever I went, I would. I think that not only would it allow for an element of mystery, but it would be another way where I could sneak by unnoticed.
On second thought, that would probably just draw more unwanted attention.
Finally, the hiss of the kettle meant it was ready to pour into my bowl.
This particular meal was actually meant to be prepared on the stove top, but I don't have any pans yet so I just decided to put it into the microwave and hope for the best. Yes, I boiled water in the kettle, added the water to the rice and then put the entire thing back in the microwave. This way I could account for the part of the directions that said "bring entire mixture to boil".
After three minutes in the microwave the water was at a steady boil, I opened up the microwave and ignored decades of common sense and reached for the bowl. Luckily, I was able to stifle the scream of pain that would have issued from my mouth had no one else been in the kitchen.
So I decided to let the bowl cool for a little bit. I figured "okay, it is done boiling, now I just need to wait 10 minutes and let the water do its magic thing."
The girls had been quiet for over a minute, were they quiet or were they just quietly talking? It was impossible to say. I stood perfectly still and listened. I always like to imagine that standing incredibly still makes my hearing better. There were definitely words being exchanged. I can only assume they were saying things like...
"Do we even know her? What the hell is she cooking? Does she keep all the bowls in her room? What the hell is that about? Why is she wearing those things in her hair? I can't believe she didn't even introduce herself to us?"
I waited 5 minutes and then took the bowl from the microwave and realized it was still too hot to handle. I didn't have a towel or anything, but there was a toilet paper roll in the kitchen. Necessity is the mother of invention they say...so I wrapped my hand in toilet paper and put the bowl on my hand, impressed with my ingenuity.
I turned off the kitchen light to let the girls at the table know "Okay, I'm leaving, if you are gonna talk to me you better do it quick..." They looked at me, and I looked right back at them. I opened up the door and shut it, to the silence and what I can only imagine surprise of the two girls at the table.
I wanted to go back and say "Oh no no, see it's not that I'm a bitch, I don't think I am better than you, I just can't deal with meeting more than one person at a time, it's a thing I have." but you can't explain those types of things to people without seeming insane.
So I headed back to my room and ate my food at an alarming speed.
But I wanted something sweet. I only have oatmeal as something sweet so I decided oatmeal it would be.
Sure, I could have put on my shoes and gotten all gussied up to mosey on down to the communal kitchen number 60, but I figured those two girls would be there.
For a brief moment I considered going back with my oatmeal and saying, "Oh hey sorry for not introducing myself, I had to eat...low blood sugar".
Then I thought about the more pressing issue which was them thinking, "Oh she's back again for another meal? Didn't she just eat? Wow let's not end up like that."
AND That's when I decided to make myself instant oatmeal a la tap water from my bathroom.
The End
It was about 9:00 and I was getting to the tipping point of my hunger zone between hungry and "I will eat this table", so I picked up my package of basmati rice and quinoa and headed to the communal kitchen. Actually, I picked up the bowl that I had already placed my food in and headed to the kitchen. I don't like people to see what I eat. I keep all food and utensils in my room. It isn't that I don't trust the people here, I just don't want them to know anything about my food consumption tendencies. My ancestors had to have felt threatened at some point, this has to be sort of genetic protection device. Either way, that's something I will work out in therapy at a later date.
As I made my way down the hallway I could hear girls laughter. I knew they were in the kitchen, despite this, a small part of my soul still held out hope that maybe it was coming from one of the rooms at the end of the hallway.
I turned the door handle and saw two girls that I had not met before sitting there laughing and enjoying one another's conversation. This would have been a great time to introduce myself, as I had not done so yet. Instead, I gave an enthusiastic wave hello and headed into the kitchen area.
I could feel it, they were expecting an introduction from me, but they didn't get it and they weren't going to get it. Once I feel a moment has passed, I don't try to go back, I press forward and hope that I will never have to be reminded of that moment again. I try to bury that moment with all the other moments and hope that one day I won't be able to recall what happened when or if anything really happened at all.
While I waited for the kettle to boil I could hear them talking. They were discussing former jobs they had and their interest in not getting obese.
I heard the following:
"Oh yah well she's just reminded us, let's not get obese okay?"
Then the crazy fat lady that lives inside my head calmed down and I was comforted by the ten seconds of rational thought that I allow myself per day. They were clearly talking about that before I walked in.
Okay. Well that feels better.
The kettle is taking forever to boil. I just wanted to get this hot water in my rice and spice mixture and disappear into the night, quick as I came. If I could have a fog machine wherever I went, I would. I think that not only would it allow for an element of mystery, but it would be another way where I could sneak by unnoticed.
On second thought, that would probably just draw more unwanted attention.
Finally, the hiss of the kettle meant it was ready to pour into my bowl.
This particular meal was actually meant to be prepared on the stove top, but I don't have any pans yet so I just decided to put it into the microwave and hope for the best. Yes, I boiled water in the kettle, added the water to the rice and then put the entire thing back in the microwave. This way I could account for the part of the directions that said "bring entire mixture to boil".
After three minutes in the microwave the water was at a steady boil, I opened up the microwave and ignored decades of common sense and reached for the bowl. Luckily, I was able to stifle the scream of pain that would have issued from my mouth had no one else been in the kitchen.
So I decided to let the bowl cool for a little bit. I figured "okay, it is done boiling, now I just need to wait 10 minutes and let the water do its magic thing."
The girls had been quiet for over a minute, were they quiet or were they just quietly talking? It was impossible to say. I stood perfectly still and listened. I always like to imagine that standing incredibly still makes my hearing better. There were definitely words being exchanged. I can only assume they were saying things like...
"Do we even know her? What the hell is she cooking? Does she keep all the bowls in her room? What the hell is that about? Why is she wearing those things in her hair? I can't believe she didn't even introduce herself to us?"
I waited 5 minutes and then took the bowl from the microwave and realized it was still too hot to handle. I didn't have a towel or anything, but there was a toilet paper roll in the kitchen. Necessity is the mother of invention they say...so I wrapped my hand in toilet paper and put the bowl on my hand, impressed with my ingenuity.
I turned off the kitchen light to let the girls at the table know "Okay, I'm leaving, if you are gonna talk to me you better do it quick..." They looked at me, and I looked right back at them. I opened up the door and shut it, to the silence and what I can only imagine surprise of the two girls at the table.
I wanted to go back and say "Oh no no, see it's not that I'm a bitch, I don't think I am better than you, I just can't deal with meeting more than one person at a time, it's a thing I have." but you can't explain those types of things to people without seeming insane.
So I headed back to my room and ate my food at an alarming speed.
But I wanted something sweet. I only have oatmeal as something sweet so I decided oatmeal it would be.
Sure, I could have put on my shoes and gotten all gussied up to mosey on down to the communal kitchen number 60, but I figured those two girls would be there.
For a brief moment I considered going back with my oatmeal and saying, "Oh hey sorry for not introducing myself, I had to eat...low blood sugar".
Then I thought about the more pressing issue which was them thinking, "Oh she's back again for another meal? Didn't she just eat? Wow let's not end up like that."
AND That's when I decided to make myself instant oatmeal a la tap water from my bathroom.
The End
Monday, August 8, 2011
How to Appear on Meet the Press- A Primer for Politicians
I'm not a politician, but I do believe I have a keen sense for the type of crap espoused by them on Sunday morning news talk shows. Please, consider this a primer.
Attire:
You have to wear a suit, a suit with a fat tie, but NOT too fat, it must be in a bold color (depending on what you are talking about. If you are talking about healthcare wear blue, if you are talking about deficits, wear red). This also depends on whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, if you are a Republican you almost never wear blue. Only a red tie with some blue lines ...MAYBE.
If you are a female, then you will be wearing a power suit. NO EXCEPTIONS. Females may have up to one, but no more than two accessories (pin not included in the total accessory count).
Live Feed versus Appearing in Studio
If you are appearing live from some location, make sure to adjust your mic anywhere from 2-5 times. If you are live at the studios you can just shift in your seat 3 times. No matter what, just don't have this facial expression the first time the camera cuts to you.
Hand Gestures:
You want everyone to see your hand gestures but you sure as shit do not want them to block your face. Please see the below picture for an example:
Facial Expressions:
Though it might prove difficult, it would be good to avoid making this face (see photo below). The trick is to look at the person you are disagreeing with incredulously, but not TOO incredulously. You hate people, but you hate them with respect.
You can also take the Doris Kearns Goodwin approach (aka the DKG) and just smile through out the entire thing.
Things to Say:
Host: Hi and today we are welcoming the representative from State X, Representative Rep McRepperstein. (rep gives courteous nod to camera) Mr. McRepperstein, can you tell us about what your plans are to help alleviate the crisis of confidence that is currently plaguing our country?
Rep: Thanks, you know I'm happy you asked this question. This country does not have a crisis of confidence, we are the greatest country the world has ever known. What this country has is a spending problem.
Host: (It's important that the host never asks the representative to elaborate on anything, choosing instead just quickly moving to the next topic.) McRepperstein on July 28th, 2011 you wrote in a Washington Post OpEd that you would, "Rather see this country in smoldering ruins before compromising on the debt ceiling." Do you think that is what the American people sent you to Congress to do?
Rep: Listen Host, I can't speak for all of the American people. I can only speak for my constituents, that's who I am here representing. They sent me to Washington to stop the blank checks, and that is what I intend to do.
Host: Can you elaborate on how you intend to accomplish this?
Rep: Cut wasteful spending.
Host: What do you consider wasteful spending?
Rep: Listen, we've given this President a blank check. The American people trusted him to do his job, and he isn't. Somebody has got to stand up and say. . .
Host: (there has to be at least one interruption per show) Yes, but if you could just get to the meat of what programs you consider wasteful...
Rep: (Unconformable laugh) I'm not going to sit here and make a laundry list of the programs. What I can say is that the entitlement programs that my parents grew up with, that I want my children to have, won't be here if we don't make some changes now.
Host: What kind of changes are you referring to?
Rep: I'm talking about getting this spending under control.
Host: Friday's economic indicators showed that the economy is growing much slower than originally reported, at something like 1.4%, what's going on here?
Rep: (you have to mention hard working and Americans somewhere, even if it is a total non sequitor) I come a town of about 20,000 people, and we are all hard working Americans. Those Americans are tired of the same Washington policies that got us into that mess, they understand that those same tactics won't get us out of this mess. That's why we have got to change the way things are run in Washington.
cut to commercial (this avoids any substantive discussions)
To recap:
never answer any question
never provide valuable information
never use facts
In order to succeed you really have to leave the interview with the general feeling that nothing has been gained from the conversation, nothing has been added to the political discourse. If, when you leave your interview you can say "excellent, we can continue down the path to mutually agreed upon destruction for the purpose of appearing as if I am correct in every decision I make." then great. You've done your job.
Attire:
You have to wear a suit, a suit with a fat tie, but NOT too fat, it must be in a bold color (depending on what you are talking about. If you are talking about healthcare wear blue, if you are talking about deficits, wear red). This also depends on whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, if you are a Republican you almost never wear blue. Only a red tie with some blue lines ...MAYBE.
If you are a female, then you will be wearing a power suit. NO EXCEPTIONS. Females may have up to one, but no more than two accessories (pin not included in the total accessory count).
Live Feed versus Appearing in Studio
If you are appearing live from some location, make sure to adjust your mic anywhere from 2-5 times. If you are live at the studios you can just shift in your seat 3 times. No matter what, just don't have this facial expression the first time the camera cuts to you.
Hand Gestures:
You want everyone to see your hand gestures but you sure as shit do not want them to block your face. Please see the below picture for an example:
Facial Expressions:
Though it might prove difficult, it would be good to avoid making this face (see photo below). The trick is to look at the person you are disagreeing with incredulously, but not TOO incredulously. You hate people, but you hate them with respect.
You can also take the Doris Kearns Goodwin approach (aka the DKG) and just smile through out the entire thing.
Things to Say:
Host: Hi and today we are welcoming the representative from State X, Representative Rep McRepperstein. (rep gives courteous nod to camera) Mr. McRepperstein, can you tell us about what your plans are to help alleviate the crisis of confidence that is currently plaguing our country?
Rep: Thanks, you know I'm happy you asked this question. This country does not have a crisis of confidence, we are the greatest country the world has ever known. What this country has is a spending problem.
Host: (It's important that the host never asks the representative to elaborate on anything, choosing instead just quickly moving to the next topic.) McRepperstein on July 28th, 2011 you wrote in a Washington Post OpEd that you would, "Rather see this country in smoldering ruins before compromising on the debt ceiling." Do you think that is what the American people sent you to Congress to do?
Rep: Listen Host, I can't speak for all of the American people. I can only speak for my constituents, that's who I am here representing. They sent me to Washington to stop the blank checks, and that is what I intend to do.
Host: Can you elaborate on how you intend to accomplish this?
Rep: Cut wasteful spending.
Host: What do you consider wasteful spending?
Rep: Listen, we've given this President a blank check. The American people trusted him to do his job, and he isn't. Somebody has got to stand up and say. . .
Host: (there has to be at least one interruption per show) Yes, but if you could just get to the meat of what programs you consider wasteful...
Rep: (Unconformable laugh) I'm not going to sit here and make a laundry list of the programs. What I can say is that the entitlement programs that my parents grew up with, that I want my children to have, won't be here if we don't make some changes now.
Host: What kind of changes are you referring to?
Rep: I'm talking about getting this spending under control.
Host: Friday's economic indicators showed that the economy is growing much slower than originally reported, at something like 1.4%, what's going on here?
Rep: (you have to mention hard working and Americans somewhere, even if it is a total non sequitor) I come a town of about 20,000 people, and we are all hard working Americans. Those Americans are tired of the same Washington policies that got us into that mess, they understand that those same tactics won't get us out of this mess. That's why we have got to change the way things are run in Washington.
cut to commercial (this avoids any substantive discussions)
To recap:
never answer any question
never provide valuable information
never use facts
In order to succeed you really have to leave the interview with the general feeling that nothing has been gained from the conversation, nothing has been added to the political discourse. If, when you leave your interview you can say "excellent, we can continue down the path to mutually agreed upon destruction for the purpose of appearing as if I am correct in every decision I make." then great. You've done your job.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Part of my Problem is Stifling Mediocrity
Simmering beneath the surface of my being was a genius waiting to get out. I just needed to find the key to and I would unleash my impressive knowledge like a mighty flood unto the world.
I had a chemistry set, it came with a bunch of powdery beads. I believe it was purchased at Michael's arts and crafts store (the foremost location to purchase chemistry sets). I have no idea what these powders were made out of, I can only assume they were all baking soda.
I would sit on the floor with my powders and my microscope out thinking about what great invention I could cook up. Taking out my plastic test tubes, eye droppers and plastic tweezers, I would open up the container of chemicals and pick out one bead VERY CAREFULLY and place it next to another one. I would then pour liquid on it and wait. I waited, and waited for the giant explosion to occur. It never did.
Perhaps science wasn't my thing, maybe my incredible intelligence would come out in some other way. I tried my hand at a bunch of different things:
pottery (rose art- clay table and clay)
painting
sewing
drawing
wood burning
wood crafting
In one particular instance at the Jewel-Osco, I was playing with the green-twisty ties used to close the plastic bags for vegetables. I had two of them in my hands twirling them around until I rubbed off the green paper and the wire was exposed underneath when all of a sudden, THERE WAS ONLY ONE IN MY HAND.
"Well this is it, I'm magic."
"I possess magical powers."
Everything made so much more sense now. I had magical powers, and I could make things disappear, at will, no questions asked.
I looked on the floor to see if I had just dropped the twisty tie, I hadn't. It had vanished.
Understanding the magnitude of this moment, I tried about five more times to replicate the trick, I never did. I was not magical after all.
Every where I went as a kid there seemed to be children who were able to do something better than me, better than any other child. I wanted a skill like this. Anything I tried I was met with the painful realization that there was always someone who could do it better. This seemed highly improbable as I considered myself better than everyone else.
I was not prepared to deal with the dichotomy of my actual intelligence versus the perceived intelligence I had created in my head. What the hell is a child supposed to do with the knowledge that they are just about average?
Getting a C in a class just made it more obvious to me that I was indeed, only average. Then I started blaming other people, 'I don't learn that way' or 'I didn't really try' or 'I should have done my homework.'
Filled with bitterness, I ended up a junior in high school sitting there taking the ACT in the gym with my other classmates, miserable at the prospects of being anything like them.
If I wasn't going to be good at sports, or the arts, or be attractive, AT THE VERY LEAST I COULD HAVE HAD SOME ABOVE AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE.
Again that isn't what I signed up for, I needed very much for people to know that I was special.
Which is why I became an overachiever.
If you work long enough on a project, you can imbue that project with an air of artificial intelligence, and if you can do that, you've beat the system.
Then, if you are lucky, really lucky, you can write blogs at work all day.
Dare to dream.
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